The Christmas Gift - A Carol to Remember

A young man called Caz who lived in Bucharest wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn’t been seeing each other for very long and she lived in a small town to the north a few hundred miles away. Caz consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note … not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to the store and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy panties for herself at the same time. The store had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Caz unknowingly got the panties.

Good old Caz sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:

My Dear,

I chose these because I’ve noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings.

If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn’t needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Caz

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

Source: LangleyToday 

Emo Philips Quotes

1. Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

2. I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

3. I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

4. The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

5. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

6. You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

7. "I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse."

8. "New York's such a wonderful city. Although, I was at the library today, and the guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him."

9. "I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me."

10.  "I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson."

11. How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Source: Emo Phillips Official Site

Some Masterful Unattributed Quotes

1. Imagine there were no hypothetical situations.

2. Yo momma's so fat, she walked past the TV and i missed the first season of Lost.

3. I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

4. Without me, it's just aweso.

5. What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot you racist!

6. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

7. I told the butcher I'd give him $10 if he got the meat down off the top shelf. He said he couldn't. The steaks were too high.

8. I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once

9.The reason Santa is so darn jolly is because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

10. If a wolf can take down a deer from either flank, does that make him bambidextrous?

11. I still miss my ex-girlfriend, but my aim is improving.

Source: Rajtilak

Little Red Riding Hood - In Depth Analysis

Facts: Little Red riding Hood is a nice little girl.

Analysis: Right from the start we can tell that this story is about an infant who has been cruelly and meanly mocked with this nickname by the other children. Probably because of a red hat knitted by her mommy, which the little girl wears due to a physical sensitivity to cold in the scalp region.

Thus we’re dealing with a marginalized sickly being discouraged by the cruel society she lives in

Facts: Little red Riding Hood goes on daily walks with a basket of goodies for her grandma who lives in the forest.

Analysis: No normal grandma lives in the fucking woods. The only plausible explanation is that this grandma got a parcel of timbered land following government retrocession. It is well known that peasants will not hesitate to pillage timber especially in the cold season. So this grandma is an old cheap battleaxe who built her house in the woods (probably without proper approval from the forestry byre). The theory according to which grandma is a bitch is verified by the fact that instead of hiring a home delivery service, she forces her granddaughter (a frail and sickly infant) to commute daily from the city into the woods, without giving a rat’s ass about the dangers the poor girl is exposed to.

Facts: Little Red meets the big bad wolf who asks her about her journey through the woods.

Analysis: Already we enter a zone of pure sick fantasy. First of all because Romania doesn’t have that many wolves left, second, they run like hell when they see man, and three, they don’t god damn speak, and even if they did, they’d probably ask for the nearest chewable cadaver or if there were any poachers around. The only reasonable explanation is that Little Red Riding Hood watches too much Animal Planet and therefore is familiar with wildlings behaviors and understands wolf howls.

Facts: The wolf rides ahead of Little Red who stops to pick some flowers, gets to the house, throws his voice and swallows grandma.

Analysis: Passing over the fact that flowers don’t grow in forests, the thing that absolutely must be understood teaching our children that it’s not nice to stop and pick flowers when you have a job to do, especially forest flowers which are rare, protected and possibly endangered.

The wolf on the other hand, seems to be the laughing stock of fairytale creators. If we also read The Three Little Pigs or Boy who Cried Wolf, we may observe a very well defined stereotype. The wolf is and individual driven by this perpetual need to break into people’s houses. He uses all his capabilities, throws his voice, if that doesn’t work, obviously frustrated, he huffs and puffs and blows the house down. Conclusion: The wolf is actually the mailman.

Grandma bites the bait and lets the wolf in. This is grandma’s image: an old senile hag who is unable to differentiate a woodland creature’s howls from the voice of her own frail granddaughter. This is the image our children will bear to the grave.

Facts: The wolf puts on grandma’s clothes, lays in bed where he is found by Little Red Riding Hood. He draws her near him with cunning words and swallows Red as well

Analysis: This crosses every line. The wolf is a transvestite, this is unheard of. What kind of sick mind can feed children such crap? And the dialogue between Red and the wolf is filled with innuendos and sexual allusions: everything the wolf has is big, his paws, his ears, his eyes, his teeth, well what else you pervert, what else? And he invariably answers with lies meant to drag Little Red in bed next to him. So we may conclude: infantile corruption, seduction and sexual perversions.

Facts: The good hunter comes, shoots the wolf and frees grandma and Little Red

Analysis: What in God’s name is a hunter doing in grandma’s house? unless he was badly intended. And what the hell is he doing hunting wolves on private property? He’s either a freaking poacher or some big government dude who pays a shit load of cash to satisfy his own sadistic needs. Whatever the truth he should have been shunned by the fairytale creator not glorified for his “great deed”.

 The end to this story is sickest of all: the wolf fighting in the claws of death (and we ask ourselves why our children are seriously fucked up in every possible way) “frees” the two women. So we are presented with the horror of assisting to the apparition of two partially digested beings, who seem not to have died and off-handedly catch up their life span as if nothing had ever happened.

 Such make-belief fiction is served daily by sick minds to our poor unsuspecting children between the ages of 2 and 7. Don’t even get me started on literature’s greatest horror: “Snow White”, listen to this bull shit, Snow White lives in the forest with 7 little dudes, I mean come on, hellooooooooo…